You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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