Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
