I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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