He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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