you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
