I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
