i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
