My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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