i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
