My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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