don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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