Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
