Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
