im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
