Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
