i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
