You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
