do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
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