i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
