New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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