I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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