He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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