3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
