i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
