The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
