We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
