Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
