I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
