I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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