Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
