I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We need to get me chipped asap
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
