everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
