he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
