Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
