It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
