I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
