I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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