My Higher Power is John Stamos
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
