remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
