I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
