I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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