My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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