He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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