Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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