I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
