Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
