You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
