I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
sex in a hospital.. check
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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