Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
