I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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