I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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