you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
