Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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