my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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